I’ll be frank: It’s hard to imagine what the fuck is going on in Donald Trump’s head. I know, “frank” doesn’t always mean foul-mouthed, but since that’s what “he speaks his mind” means to legions of Trump voters across the country, I can’t help but take the same angle.
The problem is, it’s impossible to decipher Trump because he’s too obvious, too simple to be complex. He doesn’t listen to music. He eats his steak well done and with ketchup. He fast-forwards through the dialogue to get to the action scenes in movies, and his favorite one is a martial arts film with a white star that I won’t ruin for you if you don’t know and you like the film.
He doesn’t even own a dog. By all accounts, he doesn’t like dogs.
That could explain his constant references to the people he hates as dogs, or like a dog. There’s a special tool on Twitter where you can search for keywords on a specific account, and if you search for “like a dog” on Trump’s public account, the results are lengthy and spectacular.
“Fired like a dog”
“Choked like a dog”
“Dumped like a dog”
“Begging for money like a dog”
“Kicked out of the debate like a dog”
I think the standout thing about these comments is that none of those things happen to dogs. They don’t have jobs, or pressure-filled tasks at which they might choke, they don’t date other dogs, or care about money, and they certainly don’t debate, unless you count the brief period of smelling a foreign substance before consuming it.
In all honesty, dogs are essentially perfect. We don’t deserve them, to be sure.
So when Trump compares you to a dog, he means it in a bad way, but I think there’s a case to be made for cross-stitching it on a piece of fabric and framing it in your living room. I wouldn’t be surprised if genuine war hero Stanley McChrystal has that very thing in a mahogany frame next to the case where he keeps the nine distinguished medals he was awarded during his 34 years in the United States Army.
After all, his “dog” calling card from Trump was a double-whammy tweet: He was being criticized by notorious white nationalist TV host Laura Ingraham — for criticizing Trump, of course — and Trump tweeted a link to that, along with his own message.
“General” McChrystal got fired like a dog by Obama. Last assignment a total bust. Known for big, dumb mouth. Hillary lover! https://t.co/RzOkeHl3KV
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 1, 2019
Now, as we covered, dogs don’t have jobs. Some of them DO have big, dumb mouths, however. Here’s my favorite one:
General McChrystal? Is that you? No, that’s actually my kid’s dog. He’s not dumb, but he does have a big, dumb mouth, and this is a rare shot of him without a tennis ball in it.
He’s a happy dog, and I’ll bet the General is too.
Featured image via screen capture
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